“People say ‘my phone sucks.’ No it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.” - Louis C. K.
“For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.” - Ray Romano
When things are bad, it’s the best time to reinvent yourself. ~ George Lopez
There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucki...
People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. ~ Daniel Tosh
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole. ~ Demetri Martin
The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching. ~ Dave Chappelle
The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them. ~ Lenny Bruce
For each and everyone who loves stand-up comedy. Old classic stand-up and the new wave of comedy. Jokes, videos, photos and latest news.
“Tradition and heritage are all dead people’s baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.” - Doug Stanhope
> My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The > woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time. ~ Richard Pryor
For each and everyone who loves stand-up comedy. Old classic stand-up and the new wave of comedy. Jokes, videos, photos and latest news.
For each and everyone who loves stand-up comedy. Old classic stand-up and the new wave of comedy. Jokes, videos, photos and latest news.
“I am not promoting the use of drugs, I’m just saying if you’re gonna have a war against drugs, have ‘em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!...
“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” - Chris Rock
“I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could h...
“So all my friends have kids now… which I think is rude.” - David Cross
“Being anti-social can also mean that you’re aware of how annoying it is to be social.” - Dov Davidoff
“Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.” - Bo Burnham
“The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions....