First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-RighteousnessAKA,
“the first honest religion in the history of the world.”Official
motto: “Do as I say, not as I do.”The Rules of TFCOHBASR: 1. Do as
I say, not as I do. In other words, behave as I tell you to behave,
not as I actually behave. 2. Hypocrisy is sacred, as is Blasphemy. So
go ahead and break rule number one. In fact: 3. Rules are meant to be
broken. After all, they’re just noises people make, they only have
power because people give them power. So go on ahead and do whatever
the hell you want to; everyone else does. Just don’t get caught.
(See rules 11 through 15) 4. Nothing that a member of The First Church
of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness (hereon known as
FCOHBASR) says can be held against them, ever. If someone doesn’t
like something you said, tell them they took it out of context. Which
they did, if you think about it: can they read your mind? No they
can’t! So maybe you didn’t say everything you meant to. Or maybe
aliens took control of your body, they don’t know! Tell them this,
and explain what you “really meant.” Tell them whatever it takes.
5. Statistics can be used to confuse your enemies and change peoples
minds. Especially if those statistics are false. 6. Only elitist
bastards who can’t do 5 minutes of Googling ask you to cite sources.
Use the next rule against them: 7. If you can’t dazzle them with
brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. 8. People are swayed by
emotions. Master the power of connotation. Don’t say “ignorant
person in need of an education” when you can say “stupid sack of
shit,” if attacking an opponent. Learn from politicians! Don’t
call it a “war,” call it “liberation.” Use words that make
people feel good, if you want them swayed to your way of thinking. Use
words that make people feel icky if you want them to disagree with
your opponent. This is also called “spin.” 9. When all else fails,
fight dirty. Sling mud, hurl insults. You get bonus points for
cleverness, subtlety, and originality. 10. There is no Heaven, but
there IS a Hell. And we’re all in Hell already. Earth IS Hell. When
we die, we are liberated from Hell, but there’s still nothing better
than this shitty planet. Death is The End. You become no more. You
join the Choir Nonexistent. You become an ex-human. 11. If you have
your own personal moral/ethical code and want to go by that, that’s
fine. For example, it is against my own personal ethic to steal. And I
certainly disagree with stealing from the poor. If I *were* to steal,
I would steal from the rich. Those bastards steal from the poor all
the time, it’s about time the tables got turned. 12. Never do
anything illegal if you’re not clever enough to do it without
getting caught. 13. Any crime that involves hurting or stealing from
other people will get you caught. The only exception to this is if
you’re in a position of power, like if you’re a billionaire or a
cop. 14. Know your limitations; before you exceed your limitations,
figure out if the reward is worth the risk. (It probably isn’t.) 15.
Get a sense of humor, and learn how to recognize a joke when you see
one. Laugh at the fucking jokes already. 16. All the world is a joke.
A bad one, told by a sadist. Laugh, to fight off despair. 17. The only
good government is government by bees. GIVE ME BEEOCRACY OR GIVE ME A
SHOULDER TO CRY ON!Facts about me:Name: Alexander AntoninNickname:
AlexDiscordian Holy Name (Primary): Bishop Sanctimonious the
Hypocritical (“Bishop Sanctimonious” for short)Discordian Holy
Name (Secondary): Pope Andrewsarchus the 23rd, Founder of the 665th
House of the Prickly Pentangle, Collector of Loose Stones from the
Paths of the Damned, and Reincarnation of the Inventor of Toast.
(“Pope Andrewsarchus” for short.) Age: 33Hogwarts House:
SlytherinReligion: Discordian, theistic Satanist, pagan, into chaos
magickMy deities: Medusa, Satan, Eris, Sutekh, BaphometGender:
Nonbinary (gender fluid) leaning towards masculine end of the
spectrum.Pronouns: He/him/his or they/them/theirSexuality: Pansexual,
polyamorous, grey aceNeurostatus: Autistic, chronically
depressedPolitics: Anarcho-communist pacifist, Intersectional
feministFavorite colors: Black, green, blue.Favorite music group: Blue
Oyster CultFavorite album: “Heaven Forbid” by Blue Oyster
CultFavorite song: Currently “Damaged” by Blue Oyster CultShort
list of things I hate: People, dogs, life, most things, probably
you.Short list of things I love: Myself, money, Blue Oyster Cult,
happiness (however fleeting), orange chicken, beef stew.Note 1: If you
believe in the nonsense that is Satanic Ritual Abuse, you can just go
fuck off right now. Also, I am in favor of water fluoridation; if you
are not, please keep that fact to yourself, or I will have to fight
you.Note 2: I am white, so if I accidentally say or do anything
racist, please call me on that shit and I will seek to better
myself.Self Quote: “Hatred should be as precious as love, reserved
for a very few individuals that truly deserve it. But my contempt I
give freely to anyone I consider an idiot.”
