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Fmylife
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Future Walmart Employee Says Fml
Published: Tuesday May 21st 12AM
Description: Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML
Hotelbound Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 8PM
Description: Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML
Catcraze Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 7PM
Description: Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML
Check Writer Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 7PM
Description: Today, I was notified that the company did not give me a raise two months ago like I thought. The increase was a typo. Two months ago I wrote a thank you for the raise email to my boss. Now I get to write a check to the company to pay back my "raise." FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 4PM
Description: Today, I walked in on my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML
Pixkalexi Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 4PM
Description: Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML
Elhonnads Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 12PM
Description: Today, my fianc and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML
Well Okay Then Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 12PM
Description: Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 11AM
Description: Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty Oh kitty " for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML
Auntpeepee Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 7AM
Description: Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML
Soreloser Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 2AM
Description: Today, I beat my extremely competitive friend in a game of pool. He responded by breaking a pool stick over my head. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 1AM
Description: Today, my allergies started up with a vengeance. Yesterday I broke 4 ribs and fractured my sternum. Every time I sneeze, I swear I can feel the broken bones move around. FML
Foreveralone Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 12AM
Description: Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML
Pregnant Loser Apparently Says Fml
Published: Monday May 20th 12AM
Description: Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML
Black Hoodie Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 7PM
Description: Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML
Rach Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 6PM
Description: Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML
Harrington61 Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 5PM
Description: Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 4PM
Description: Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie " FML
Jfc, How Just How Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 3PM
Description: Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 2PM
Description: Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML
Sarilone Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 2PM
Description: Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 1PM
Description: Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML
Disappointed Dad Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 3AM
Description: Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML
Dafuqdidisee Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 2AM
Description: Today, I woke up and went into my living room, only to be greeted by my aunt, sister, and mother watching a very graphic video showing women giving birth. They forced me to stay and watch it until the end. It was almost 90 minutes. FML
Devin Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 1AM
Description: Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Sunday May 19th 12AM
Description: Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a 250 pair of headphones for a 1 soda. FML
Mackmackey Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 7PM
Description: Today, while at hospital with a broken arm, I was asked to raise my hand onto the x-ray machine. I told the nurse I couldn't move it without extreme pain. She told me to suck it up, picked up my arm, and dropped it on the machine. I could feel the bone completely separate. FML
Steroidpenguin Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 6PM
Description: Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML
Ineedayob Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 4PM
Description: Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML
Mr_poole Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 4PM
Description: Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 3PM
Description: Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML
Anonymous Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 3PM
Description: Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML
Look At The Fucking Universe, Lady Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 2PM
Description: Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils " I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML
Lez Probs Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 8AM
Description: Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML
Jackxrawr Says Fml
Published: Saturday May 18th 5AM
Description: Today, I recieved a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML