My 2023 Sloth Kama Sutra calendar is now for sale! Get crazy with it! Click here to buy
Buy me calendar! It has cool art, if you like SPACE!!! Link to buy here: 2023 Space Vacation: Galactic Travel Posters BIG PICTURE™ CALENDAR | Shop the Gladstone Media Official Store
“I like to enjoy my bathroom experiences by shouting, ‘POO!’ at the top of my lungs at the moment of, well, poo. Yesterday, I did this, and the man at the urinal next to my stall was so t...
“It’s weird. My mom and dad look exactly alike. Both really Jewy, with dark curly hair and droopy eyes. They could be brother and sister if I didn’t check, THOROUGHLY, that they weren�...
“Yeah, I knew there was an election. Why do you think I’ve spent the past two days in a dive bar restroom in the backwaters of Pennsylvania? To think, I almost was part of a civil society.�...
“I would have to say, I’m probably the least racist of all of my friends. They’re kind of douche bags compared to how not racist I am. I’m like, so not racist, that if I see a homele...
“Some people say giving birth is like the most magical thing ever. So I became a nurse in a maternity ward, and let me tell you: slime and yelling ain’t that magical. Hell, when I had my ...
“They say, ‘If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere,’ and they’re talking about New York, but really, that could apply to anywhere, right? If I can make it to the top of the s...
“Coming to this dank little bar and drowning my feelings in cheap beer is the closest thing I have to happiness in my life, other than walking barefoot through the park with my newborn son crad...
“I got salmonella twice in my life. The first time by eating plants, the second time by eating animal meats. I can tell you one thing, I won’t be eating either those again soon. Nawp. It�...
National gallery of Art: “Young Girl Reading.”
“I used to be a pediatrician, but then I was like, ‘why am I wasting my time on the kids of dopey Manhattenites when there are struggling refugees and immigrants all over the world who want t...
“It’s almost insane how useful peanut butter is. For example, you can rub it on cats to make your cats taste like peanut butter. Although, really, that works for pretty much anything.”
“Ah, 2016! A whole new year, a whole new exciting chance to truly live to my fullest. I resolve to be less like the fuddy duddy I was last year, and live like a completely new person. Som...
“My daughter came up to me the other day and said, ‘a boy at school said Elf on the Shelf isn’t real. That you and daddy just move him after I go to bed.’ There’s nothing more heart...
“My boss, Mister Spoondoggle, is very demanding. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him open his mouth without issuing a demand. Not a single statement, declaration, exclamation, or question....
“I’m trying to raise capital for my tech start-up. My goal is to raise around $4 million, then jump out of an airplane, change my name and hair color and spend the rest of my life tending a...
“If I ever owned a pet giant squid, I’d have to name him Buble, after Michael Buble, because I like that name. Sadly, I only have three giant Pacific octopuses named Slurbengarp, Niggle-Bin...
“My hero has got to be Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I want to be an astronomer when I grow up. I mean, I’m 37, and I sell pork futures, and I know nothing about astronomy, and I don’t really h...
“I prepare for the bitter New York winter by devouring an entire pig headfirst. It takes about three months to digest, and the energy I absorb from it in the meantime will keep me sedentary a...