BEACON » Satire

In Whitney Young, there are multiple entrances and exits to other buildings, but there are the two main ones: the Gym Bridge, and the Arts Bridge. Naturally, since a massive amount of students cr...

https://wybeaconnews.org/15133/student-life/satire/whitney-young-introduces-a-new-rollerblading-policy-bacon/

HELP WANTED WITHIN THE CITY OF CHICAGO We are looking for people to work as leprechauns until the Leprechauns complete negotiations they began Friday, March 17. Applicants are required to be, ...

https://wybeaconnews.org/14324/student-life/bacon-yearly-classifieds/

11 out of 10 teachers agree that students using phones in class without permission is annoying. After conducting multiple studies on their students (without their permission, of course; real da...

https://wybeaconnews.org/14305/student-life/bacon-leaked-new-classroom-cell-phone-policy/

Many Whitney Young students were disappointed last year when the theater was declared a “deathtrap” by industry professionals, due to the disrepair of the rigging system. This resulted in the...

https://wybeaconnews.org/13564/student-life/satire/30000-budgeted-to-make-theater-more-of-a-deathtrap/

It was June 2, 2020. Senior Bethany Taylor had poured the cold brew she drinks every morning into the special cup she likes, a tall faceted glass. She mixed in her barista edition Oatly oat milk ...

https://wybeaconnews.org/13529/student-life/satire/2021-nobel-peace-prize-laureate-white-women-awarded/

  After failing to capture more than 6 students to opt in for hybrid learning, CPS has resorted to some interesting techniques to lure students back. Here are some of their new tactical plans. F...

https://wybeaconnews.org/13520/news/cps-new-tactics/

  Seniors, we are nearing the end of our final year of high school and we have done absolutely nothing. Every morning we wake up to do the same silly little routine we’ve done for the past yea...

https://wybeaconnews.org/13503/student-life/satire/djk-makes-school-optional-for-the-seniorssatire/

CHICAGO, IL – We have recently obtained leaked internal e-mails and other electronic communications between Whitney Young higher-ups pointing to an investigation of an unknown staffer due to ac...

https://wybeaconnews.org/13488/student-life/satire/anonymous-wy-staffer-under-investigation-for-creating-hostile-work-environment/

Trinton Moore Class of 2021 Our lovable school mascot, Flip the Dolphin, beloved by all students and faculty of Whitney Young. Able to do majestic flips and dance moves that requires strength and...

https://wybeaconnews.org/12692/student-life/satire/is-flip-the-dolphin-natty-or-not/

Recent FBI investigation shows how the wealthy have paid their way to make sure their mediocre students attend elite schools. Although this may not be shocking to many, the scandal has raised man...

https://wybeaconnews.org/10835/student-life/satire/new-act-section-created-to-streamline-bribery/