Comedy Goldmine - Something Awful

Sick of poverty, riots and insanity? So were your ancestors when THEY got lost in pulp magazines! Brush away the summer insanity with colorful madness, this week in the Comedy Goldmine!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/awfully-weird-2/

There is an ancient and proud tradition of people finding spiritual resonance within the captivating riddle of their own sexuality. That tradition has little or nothing to do with carnies eating ...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/sex-majik/

The C-SPAM goons take a break from the endless news drip to concentrate on a much more interesting subject: cool birds and why they're so dang cool!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/corvids/

Any game that's out long enough will inevitably be ruined by endless "balance" patches, tweaks that either nerf or beef every little thing until the whole experience is either milquetoast or apes...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/gladiator-patch/

The goons of BYOB take on an all-time classic dungeon with a slightly adjusted equipment list. What's the CR adjustment on a bulldozer anyway? So the boss should have *scribbles* 2d6+6 slimes now...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/dungeons-dragons-bulldozers/

The SA forums goons make a pulp scifi/fantasy 'zine that puts old William Gaines to shame! I mean, additional shame, on top of the misogyny and functional illiteracy.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/awfully-weird-1/

If you have not watched 2001's Shrek repeatedly until you know every line, you will never be half the vampire hunter Lt. Col Neville was. Also your drawings of Shrek might be off.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/shrek-memory/

In C-SPAM anything can be the start of a long, well researched discussion that goes wildly off the rails and ends up recommending butt-plugs. And I do mean anything.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/donkey-kong-communism/

They say the french fries at In-N-Out are bad. But these fries aren't just bad, they're on Satan's secret menu!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/bad-fries/

The Smurfs are dead! Or, undead, I was never really sure. Either way the SomethingAwful forums goons saw fit to dream up some wild and disturbing replacements!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/repopulate-smurfs/

I know, having an alligator as a pet SEEMS perfectly safe. But there are actually a few downsides.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/see-you-later/

What *is* the best way to make coffee?

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/best-coffee-make/

Oh, my garden looks bad? You want a freaking cookie??

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/intentional-bad-garden/

The true stories, behind the cum.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/sex-picture-maker/

"Is this your card? No? Is this your card? No? Is this your card? No?"

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/magic-trick-costume/

I hate when it's apocalypse and relatable awkward shit happens to me... fuck...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/post-apocalyptic-embarrassment/

Got no time for haters 👏 people who expect me to do emotional labor for free 👏 and people who ask me why my dick is stuck in the VCR 👏

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/not-explaining-vcr/

What if Neo and Ted Theodore Logan were the same person? Not that hard to imagine

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/same-actor-jokes/

open grinders falling off lap on to carpet compilation (HD)

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/weed-denial-fetish/

me, getting my arm hacked off: you moron. chainsaws arent even used in hockey

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/chainsaw-fleeing-yawn/

Welcome... to scary hell.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/horror-afterlife-satan/

The doctor said I needed more greens in my diet so I've been chowing down on scouring pads on my lunch breaks

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/healthy-food-cleanliness/

Liches are huge dumbasses. I do NOT respect liches.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/undead-lich-idiot/

The non-Euclidean geometry of our coupling is corroding my sanity.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/void-sex-text/

Oh my god... that guy's swinging his sword around. He must have an insanely disciplined mind

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/sword-skill-important/

The uncontrollable hunger of pot addicts

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/professions-weed-high/

Seriously.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/sun-location-mystery/

Me: *throwing a fidget spinner across the room* so what do you cool bros think about Mike's hard lemonade? *dab*

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/teen-child-advice/

Human ass vending machine.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/ass-vend-international/

These date stories really are the pits.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/awful-romance-tales/

HANDS OFF

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/genius-without-touching/

If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/hitler-bad-actually/

if ur an evil wizard post in this thread about the spells you cast and other things like that. personally for me i like to make potions that turn people into skeleton monsters that obey my every ...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/warlock-skeleton-posting/

Wow, certainly a provocative article title this week. Sorry. Next week it'll be about Donald Trump or some shit, promise.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/bad-sex-nerd/

*effortlessly evading the Xenomorphs clumsy blows* Ok, this has been fun, but I think it's about time I killed you.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/easy-movie-victories/

Yeah it is getting a little long, huh. Well I'll get on it soon, have a few things to get done first tho

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/block-neighbors-conversation/

People ask me if it's difficult to do so many different accents, but that's easy. The difficult part is dialing all the numbers.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/spam-call-guy/

Think the customer is always right? Heh... read on, kid...

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/not-always-right/

Sex is like an art. There's a good way to do it, and a bad way to do it.

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/good-sex-guy/

FBI, if you're listening to me right now, remain silent

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/wiretapping-fbi-calls/

These stimpaks are making me thirsty!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/post-apocalyptic-seinfeld/1/

Apples... and ORANGES??? Wuh? Buh? Zuh?

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/apples-oranges-comparing/

"What are you gonna do, seize me?" -Quote from man seized

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/guards-getting-away/

Ever wondered about how to cook an egg? This article is for you!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/egg-preparation-instruction/

Ah yeah, that's the stuff

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/thats-the-stuff/

May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/who-cares-curses/

I'm going to use my Q-Tips to clean my ears, against the explicit instructions not to do so

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/barely-illegal-protest/

*the Baha Men look at their feet and kick the dust around a tiny ajar bee door*

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/increased-bee-amount/

A contest to guess a Pokémon engenders awe-inspiring art!

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/pokemon-guessing-contest/

"Yo RZA, yo razor, hit me with the major disappointment over the consistency of this flan"

http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/ramsay-food-dialogue/