TEEN girls have decided against seeing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 after reading negative reviews in broadsheets. 13-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Writing in The Guardian, Peter Bra...
THE ritual sacrifice of 23 virgins to the evil Old Gods controlling the economy has ended the UK recession. Bank of England governor Mervyn King said: “They didn’t want quantitative easing �...
STAUNCH Republican Donald Trump has offered Barack Obama a night of unbridled passion, in exchange for the president's withdrawal from the US election.
BOOTS sandwiches are to carry the words ‘Jamie Oliver’ because they are fairly sure it will impress people like you. The high street chain rebrands its sandwich range every six weeks in order...
FRENCH teacher Roy Hobbs’s hatred for his former pupil Michael Gove endures to this day, it has emerged. Replying to Gove’s publicity-seeking letter apologising for being a little shit, Hobbs...
FOUR Star Trek fans have been arrested after a phaser battle erupted at a London convention. A stallholder selling Leonard Nimoy books was left temporarily inert after being hit on the thigh by a...
ED Miliband doesn’t talk so big when he’s in a headlock, Andrew Mitchell has confirmed. The Labour leader received an almighty kicking after he got cocky in front of his friends at PMQs and d...
WILLARD Price’s thrilling novel Gorilla Adventure has won the Booker Prize, despite being published in 1969. The Booker jury voted unanimously for the exciting story of pubescent brothers Hal a...
BANKERS are dressing themselves up as poor people so they can help themselves to emergency food parcels. Charities said they became aware of the scam after noticing that several of the outstretch...
RETIRED army officers set up a controversial deal to supply the Royal Marines with £40 million-worth of Hello Kitty accessories. The former officers exploited their connections in the trinket in...
THERESA May has confirmed a set of randomly-selected European things that Britain is going to be against. The list, drawn in what appears to be the Home Secretarys own bodily secretions onto th...
LADY Gaga is to make a series of unwatchable films before devouring an international cricketer on live television. In her new ‘performance concept’ the singer will ‘become’ Elizabeth Hurl...
It all starts with a fight.
MAGICIAN Paul Daniels is to spend three hours with his hand in a toaster. As David Blaine enters the pulsating core of an electrical storm, Britain’s favourite teatime illusionist will insert h...
LABOUR leader Ed Miliband attended the archetypal TV comprehensive Grange Hill, it has emerged. Speaking at the Labour Party conference, Miliband recalled his friendship with Gonch and Hollo, as ...
40 of the UK's best-ever tellings-off.
DOCTOR Who assistants Amy and Rory Pond are to die after being left locked in a poorly-ventilated Tardis.
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly/ponds-die-in-hot-tardis-2012092842920
"It's so scary you're going to literally poo yourself," says horror master Stephen King.
Britain's badgers have told the Department of Agriculture that they'd better come tooled up.
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly/bring-it-say-badgers-2012091841472
Superfast mobile technology will be 'proper job', say council chiefs.